Today’s post is written in a little bit of…anger, shall we say? I will try my best to stay civil, but here’s your warning that I’m upset (that’s kind of an understatement, but sometimes the English language doesn’t even get close to describing how I feel without having to resort to cusswords, something I refuse to do).
My website was hacked.
I’ve seen websites get hacked before, and I’ve seen really, really bad hacks (like the ones where the site’s been taken down and replaced with some really scary text and background images with creepy loud music that plays, etc.).
Mine wasn’t that bad. It was one line of adware with a link. But it was imbedded in such a way that I couldn’t figure out how to remove it without redoing everything, and eventually I ended up having to change my entire site around.
Hence the new design. Because if I’m going to have to go through hours of work because someone had the power and thought they had the right to mess with my site, I may as well come out of it looking better than I did.
(Exhaling noisily here.)
I was in a hurry, so I did pick the first design I could find that worked for what I needed it to. I may change it again. Who knows.
What I do know is that I’m terrible at resolve, and this moment brought out a part of me that I too often leave behind. Not that “anger” is something we should strive for, but when life gets hard – and it does, often – I have a bad habit of curling up into a ball of depression in some corner and thinking “Woe is me! The world’s too much for me!” I had those moments with this, but I also became so indignant that I found a grit that I don’t normally feel, and it carried me through. Even when I wanted to just give up and completely take down my site, I continued researching and searching.
One of the reasons (among many) that I think I started writing “The Guardian of Hope” is that, unbeknownst to me when I first began, “hope” may be my weakest attribute.
People have asked me if Lisa is supposed to represent me, and I laugh. Because in “The Guardian of Hope,” at least of the characters that the reader is aware of right now (shameless bait-and-hook to make you want to read more), the character that is most like me isn’t Lisa. It’s Dalor.
No, I’m not royalty and I don’t wield a sword or have magic. Or have platinum blonde hair. What I mean is that of all the characters, his personality is one of the closest to mine. In particular, his struggle with hope.
I won’t say much more about Dalor – I don’t want to just tell you about him – but it should be evident that Dalor struggles with being the Guardian of Hope, and all of the responsibility and pressure on him.
In the same way, I struggle – frequently – with hope. My husband was trying to encourage me on this matter, and while we talked we ended up listing out all the different words that represent “hope” and “grit”:
- “Muchiness” (Alice in Wonderland, 2010)
Yes, I know these don’t all mean the exact same thing, but that’s kind of the point. They encapsulate the idea I’m going after. All of these things are what I struggle with myself.
While I don’t want my website to get hacked again, (do we ever want bad things to happen to us?), it did remind me that I too easily give up. I accept life’s lemons and let them sit around me, rotting, as if I can’t control anything. We don’t have to let the lemons sit around us, growing old, reminding us of the things that have gone wrong or the ways we have failed.
So pick those lemons up and throw those sour suckers back like a pro baseball pitcher.* Will more lemons come? Sure. But it’s a lot easier to throw them back when you’ve only got a few to worry about then a pile. So send them back, and resolve that you won’t let the despair rot your life away, no matter what comes your way.
What do you struggle with most, in terms of “having resolve”?
*I don’t hate lemons. I’m just talking metaphorically here.